Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone about self-harm who really understands. Logically it would make sense to talk about it with someone else who struggles with it, but It’s such a taboo topic on here (in the ‘recovery community’ anyway). And I completely understand that – I would hate to trigger someone or give people the idea to start doing it/different ways to do it.
I wouldn’t want to talk about it with those who are openly ‘pro’ self-harm because I really don’t agree with that, and might find it triggering myself.
I can’t really talk to staff about how I feel about it. I can’t even put it into words out loud. I can write about it, but it seems so contrived and over-dramatic and something you would read in a bad teenage angst novel.
But I want to share with someone how it feels; what I do; why I do it. Explain the addiction, the process. Find out if it’s the same experience for other people, what they do, what they think about as it happens. How they feel about it.
I guess it’s kind of like how with eating disorders you might discuss fear foods, disordered behaviours, intakes, weigh ins etc. Which are all sensitive topics but are definitely still more ‘acceptable’ discussion than topics around self-harm.
But even to admit that I want to talk about it is shameful; seems sadistic, makes me a horrible person.
Sorry I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.
So uni officially starts tomorrow and this is what’s called ‘Programme Themes’ week where we do general random things that don’t really fit in anywhere else like, ‘Health Promotion,’ ‘Epidemiology,’ ‘Evidence Based Medical Research,’ ‘Cleanliness Champions,’ ‘Introduction to Clinical Communication,’ and many more random things I can’t remember right now.
So I’m supposed to have lectures/tutorials etc. 9-5 every day which is a bit of a one-off as usually we will have some free hours or even days for self-directed learning, time on the wards etc. which is a bit more flexible and you can kind of organise yourself.
And considering it takes about an hour and a half for me to get to and from uni from the unit (that’s if I get the fast, direct bus!) then I’m basically looking at being out from tonight until Friday night.
But I’ve just had a meeting with the team and they are really worried about me being away for so long not being able to ‘catch up’ with people considering how I’ve still been struggling with s/h etc. Tbh I do kind of agree - it would be really stressfuland difficult to be away for that long, but I’m not sure how to get around it; all these lectures are supposed to be ‘compulsory.’
I need to meet with the ‘year coordinator’ tomorrow and hopefully can discuss the possibility of missing some of the ‘less essential’ lectures… but idk if they will be open to that?
And if not, what do I do? Argh I just hate all the uncertainty and it must be really frustrating for the staff here too and I feel like being away for that long I’m just leaving a bed empty and totally wasting resources etc.
My head’s spinning with transport and meals and menus and shopping lists and lecture titles and names of people to contact and who to keep informed and how to explain things and worrying about all the judgments and how I’m going to manage and it’s all AAAARRGH
Sorry for not doing this yesterday! PTW
Awkward moment when you’re quietly tumblin in an eating disorder ward and Family Guy is on in the background and you here the lines:
Stewie: “This is almost as bad as the time I nearly died from anorexia”
*looks up at scene* Stewie is in a hospital bed next to a dying anorexic woman.
Stewie: *looks over at women* “you look fat”
*awkward ‘is-this-funny-or-just-wildly-inappropriate’ looks all round the room*
Thank you. Just thank you for your kindness. xx
Hopefully about 2 weeks x
Nope… since this is meant to be a short admission it was basically ‘gain as much as possible in the time you have here.’
TRIGGER WARNING the highest bmi I have ever been in recovery was just over 18… And since my anorexia began before I was properly ‘developed’ or whatever, I really have no idea where my set point might be or what my body shape might be or what I might look like when I get there. I’m hoping to have the strength to push past this and find out though! x
Rules: In a text post, list ten books that have stayed with you in some way. Don’t take but a few minutes, and don’t think too hard — they don’t have to be the “right” or “great” works, just the ones that have touched you.
I was tagged by justxsomexgirl - thanks m’dear! :)
These are in no particular order by the way!
And anyone else who wants to do it :)