Eat. Live. Try.

Here is where I store my crazy thoughts while recovering from eating disorders, depression and self-harm. (Other posts may refernce my t1 diabetes, studies at medical school, cute cats and funny stuff I like :) Although I am DEFINITELY NOT pro-ed, I can't promise that things I post won't be triggering for some. I want to be honest and include the good times and bad.

What do you do when you’ve nothing to do? BAKE ofc. This is a spiced vanilla fruit loaf with a cinnamon sugar crust and filling. I’ve never tried making it before - have to get my flatmates to see if it’s any good. Who knows I might even have some. Also my flat smells AMAZING right now.

live-and-heal:

Glass painting to pass the time. This is jar 1/6. Planning to fill these with yummy things as wee presents for my flat mates. I know they’ll be a bit shit but it’s the thought that counts right? :/

Oh I meant to say - fruitasticharlotte I hope you don’t mind me stealing your name for inspiration! :P
At first, I had trouble dating a girl who was recovering from an eating disorder. I couldn’t get by the fact that I may not ever be able to treat her to a nice dinner because she simply could not go out. I hated sitting by and watching her as she ignored the compliments I gave her and constantly commented on how she wished to look like “that girl”, or “her over there”. And it used to bother me that there were so many things she just couldn’t eat.
Then I realized that eating out wasn’t important in a relationship like ours. What was important was our meals together at home, and how I knew exactly what to make her every night. How we sat together at the beginning of each week and spent at most an hour at a time planning the meals we would share. How appreciative she looked when I refused to sit in silence at the table to keep her from focusing on the calories that entered her body.
I almost enjoyed that I knew exactly what she couldn’t eat, and I soon got past the fact that we might not ever be able to order pizza from domino’s on a Friday night while we watched Harry Potter in the living room. All I cared about eventually was helping her, and that was what a relationship should be like.
I loved her so much that I could stand the nights where she stood in front of the mirror and cried, and it would tear my heart to pieces when she would ask me why I could ever love someone that looked like her. I would hold her, I wouldn’t tell her she was beautiful more than once or twice, and that was all. I trusted her and she I enough that we could sit together every night and she could tell me whether or not she had thrown up her lunch, even if I already knew because I was so scared that I watched her after every meal. Even if I knew, though, I never stopped her, because they were her battles, and I knew that no matter how much it hurt, me fighting them for her wouldn’t help.
Soon enough though, I saw that she became more confident. Her trips to the restroom following meals became fewer until I could relax, knowing that there was a good chance she was safe. There were less times when she looked at the mirror and pinched fat that was actually only skin. Finally, she asked me to take her out for dinner. Finally, we ordered domino’s on a Friday night and watched Harry Potter.
And that, that’s what love is.
Anonymous (via generati0n-hate)

(via gingieee)

Oh Fi, I am so disappointed right now. I read your reply to the anon. message as ' I did vote - I voted a while go actually because I was registered for a POSSUM vote :)' Then I re-read it and saw that it said 'postal'. I had images of you giving a piece of paper with yes/no written on it to a possum who would carry it all the way the an official building where lots of other possums would be in line with other people's votes. Oh well, I will get over it. Love you lots though! xxx
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Ahahaa OMG that would be AMAZING if that was a thing! :3 Thank you darling. Love you too. Hope you’re okay xx

Asker Anonymous Asks:
how did your appointments go? how is being home? do you have plans for the weekend? x
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Just did an update on today’s :) x

So today I met with my outpatient therapist, P, and my new consultant, C.
I’ve heard a lot of good things about C and after just one meeting I already wholehearted agree. I could tell he’d spent time getting to know my ‘story’  and talking with P and seemed to just ‘get it’ immediately so I didn’t have to go through that awkward questioning. He also seemed to be really non-judgemental, calm and logical. Also he has a really nice voice :P

He started by talking a bit about how people have to meed certain needs for their well-being - both physical and psychological. He said my problem was that in trying to fulfill some psychological needs, I end up neglecting or damaging my physical or other psychological needs. hey’d had a meeting (also with G, the doctor I worked with on my previous ip admission) and discussed about how best to ‘support’ me in getting a better balance between these ‘needs.’
Then something I was a little surprised at - he jumped in with,’ I think there’s currently an important decision to be made about whether you’ll be able to continue at university.’ My heart sank.
He went on to suggest we do a two month ‘trial’ period to see how I’m managing, with certain targets to meet, and if I don’t meet them I will have to drop out of uni. I was quite shocked that he seemed to be taking things really seriously… but I guess maybe I do need that motivation to keep me on track from the start? Idk.
During the two months I wont’ be having therapy as such but will be meeting every week with G to catch up and check my physical health etc (another surprise - didn’t think he’d be involved at all. He is amazing and honestly has been the only doctor who has helped me in recovery so far but it will be weird going back to see him again as an outpatient… idk, he can be pretty intense, has quite a different ‘style’ of therapy :S).
After the 2 months, irregardless of how they turn out, I will be offered 40 therapy sessions.

So the conditions are:

  • Maintenance (or increasing) of my current weight
  • Maintenance and ideally reduction in my current HBA1C
  • Minimal self-harm behaviours - none requiring hospital treatment

It does seem like a big ask - especially the self-harm. I’ll probably end up putting on loads of weight so that shouldn’t be an issue.But I think for me the diabetes control is the most important and what I really need to keep on top of. So I guess we’ll see how things go.

EEEP :S

Asker Anonymous Asks:
So so proud of you for that intake you posted, give yourself a huge pat on the back :)
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Thank you so much m’dear :) I guess I’m quite proud too xx

Asker Anonymous Asks:
are you voting today? if so, may I ask what you are voting? :) xx
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

I did vote - I voted a while go actually because I was registered for a postal vote :) You may ask, but I think I’ll keep it to myself - I’ve seen too many people get attacked after sharing which way they voted xx

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Psssst..... Don't mean to nag but I think you forgot the rice with your stir fry X
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

:/ sorry. I still had plenty calories for the day though x

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Did you keep today's food down? X
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

I did :) I would only post an ‘intake’ if it was b/p free x

Today’s intake. The best day of deliciousness I’ve managed myself in a long time :)

So I guess I couldn’t say I was proud of how things went today… but at least felt a bit of relief and satisfaction at managing and even challenging myself immensely. Up until after I’d eaten supper and was getting ready for bed. I caught sight of myself in thw mirror and the guilt slapped me hard in the face. TW

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Hell yes! Fuck you anorexia. Even though I gained massively this morning, even though I’ve already eaten breakfast, morning snack and lunch (and at weird times because of uni), even though there’s no one here telling me to do it, I’m still having this glorious muffin. I need to CHOOSE to do this for me. For my future.

I know that in my heart of hearts I really want recovery. But my mind is so full of disordered thoughts and rules that I don’t see how I’ll ever be able to ‘unlearn’ them.
They creep in without me even noticing and before I know it I’m making plans to use destructive behaviours. TW

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