Eat. Live. Try.

Here is where I store my crazy thoughts while recovering from eating disorders, depression and self-harm. (Other posts may refernce my t1 diabetes, studies at medical school, cute cats and funny stuff I like :) Although I am DEFINITELY NOT pro-ed, I can't promise that things I post won't be triggering for some. I want to be honest and include the good times and bad.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone about self-harm who really understands. Logically it would make sense to talk about it with someone else who struggles with it, but It’s such a taboo topic on here (in the ‘recovery community’ anyway). And I completely understand that – I would hate to trigger someone or give people the idea to start doing it/different ways to do it.
I wouldn’t want to talk about it with those who are openly ‘pro’ self-harm because I really don’t agree with that, and might find it triggering myself.
I can’t really talk to staff about how I feel about it. I can’t even put it into words out loud. I can write about it, but it seems so contrived and over-dramatic and something you would read in a bad teenage angst novel.
But I want to share with someone how it feels; what I do; why I do it. Explain the addiction, the process. Find out if it’s the same experience for other people, what they do, what they think about as it happens. How they feel about it.
I guess it’s kind of like how with eating disorders you might discuss fear foods, disordered behaviours, intakes, weigh ins etc. Which are all sensitive topics but are definitely still more ‘acceptable’ discussion than topics around self-harm.
But even to admit that I want to talk about it is shameful; seems sadistic, makes me a horrible person.
Sorry I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. 

So uni officially starts tomorrow and this is what’s called ‘Programme Themes’ week where we do general random things that don’t really fit in anywhere else like, ‘Health Promotion,’ ‘Epidemiology,’ ‘Evidence Based Medical Research,’ ‘Cleanliness Champions,’ ‘Introduction to Clinical Communication,’ and many more random things I can’t remember right now.

So I’m supposed to have lectures/tutorials etc. 9-5 every day which is a bit of a one-off as usually we will have some free hours or even days for self-directed learning, time on the wards etc. which is a bit more flexible and you can kind of organise yourself.
And considering it takes about an hour and a half for me to get to and from uni from the unit (that’s if I get the fast, direct bus!) then I’m basically looking at being out from tonight until Friday night.

But I’ve just had a meeting with the team and they are really worried about me being away for so long not being able to ‘catch up’ with people considering how I’ve still been struggling with s/h etc. Tbh I do kind of agree - it would be really stressfuland difficult to be away for that long, but I’m not sure how to get around it; all these lectures are supposed to be ‘compulsory.’
I need to meet with the ‘year coordinator’ tomorrow and hopefully can discuss the possibility of missing some of the ‘less essential’ lectures… but idk if they will be open to that?
And if not, what do I do? Argh I just hate all the uncertainty and it must be really frustrating for the staff here too and I feel like being away for that long I’m just leaving a bed empty and totally wasting resources etc.
My head’s spinning with transport and meals and menus and shopping lists and lecture titles and names of people to contact and who to keep informed and how to explain things and worrying about all the judgments and how I’m going to manage and it’s all AAAARRGH

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Today's intake? =)
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Sorry for not doing this yesterday! PTW

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I think my socks pretty much sum up the general attitude on the ward. Mondays are always crap no matter how the weigh in goes. I gained this week, of course. RATIONALISE; that’s what’s meant to happen. It needs to happen. That’s the point of being here. With each gain in weight I also gain life; hope, potential, strength, energy, health, sparkle. I’m getting Fi back.

Awkward moment when you’re quietly tumblin in an eating disorder ward and Family Guy is on in the background and you here the lines:

Stewie: “This is almost as bad as the time I nearly died from anorexia”

*looks up at scene* Stewie is in a hospital bed next to a dying anorexic woman.

Stewie: *looks over at women* “you look fat”

*awkward ‘is-this-funny-or-just-wildly-inappropriate’ looks all round the room*

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Oh hon. I am sorry you are finding things hard. I am glad you are being honest with yourself, big, hard step. I believe in you though. Hopefully one day you will too. x
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Thank you. Just thank you for your kindness. xx

How my pass went (PTW):

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So this could be a problem… last weekend when I visited my flat, being the complete numpty that I am I managed to leave my keys. I am meant to be going there on pass tomorrow til Sunday. I just blithely assumed one of my flatmates would be able to let me in. Turns out both of them are out of town for the weekend. Hmm. Any Edinburgers out there fancy a house guest?! I will pay with good conversation and take you out for froyo?!

Asker Anonymous Asks:
how much longer are you going to be in?
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Hopefully about 2 weeks x

Asker Anonymous Asks:
have you been given a target weight hun?x
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Nope… since this is meant to be a short admission it was basically ‘gain as much as possible in the time you have here.’

TRIGGER WARNING the highest bmi I have ever been in recovery was just over 18… And since my anorexia began before I was properly ‘developed’ or whatever, I really have no idea where my set point might be or what my body shape might be or what I might look like when I get there. I’m hoping to have the strength to push past this and find out though! x

Hard day but a wee smile because FI won in the end. Lunch was really hard - a meal I’ve never managed in here before: ratatouille with carrots, mash and a LOT of cheese to put on top (or more than I would ever use - kinda don’t know what’s normal any more! ). Cheese is a major fear food and I hadn’t quite realised it’d be so much. I panicked and didn’t start for ages, but once I did I kept going through the tears and virtual panick attack. Couldn’t breathe afterwards but somehow the staff talked me down and I got through the yogurt. I was a bit embarrassed and felt bad for so obviously struggling in front of everyone else :/ Then snack was another challenge: coconut slice from the bakery. Didn’t think I could do it but the nurse I was sitting with was amazing and kind and helped me in the way I needed. So yay - recovery win :)

Rules: In a text post, list ten books that have stayed with you in some way. Don’t take but a few minutes, and don’t think too hard — they don’t have to be the “right” or “great” works, just the ones that have touched you.

I was tagged by justxsomexgirl - thanks m’dear! :)
These are in no particular order by the way!

  1. The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger 
  2. Monkey Taming - Judith Fathallah
  3. Gentlemen & Players - Joanne Harris
  4. Chocolat - Joanne Harris
  5. Human Traces - Sebastian Faulks
  6. A Child Called ‘It’ - Dave Pelzer
  7. The Little Princess - Frances Hodgson Burnett
  8. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
  9. Children of the Dust - Louise Lawrence
  10. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini 

I tag (sorry if you’ve already done it): balancingstatesofmind, gingieee, irate-insomniac, smile-in-possibility, no-more-skimmed-milk

And anyone else who wants to do it :)