Eat. Live. Try.

Here is where I store my crazy thoughts while recovering from eating disorders, depression and self-harm. (Other posts may refernce my t1 diabetes, studies at medical school, cute cats and funny stuff I like :) Although I am DEFINITELY NOT pro-ed, I can't promise that things I post won't be triggering for some. I want to be honest and include the good times and bad.
Very negative. Please ignore. Just another self-deprecating post

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Asker Anonymous Asks:
summary of your day?
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Hello there :) Just did a wee post about my uni meeting. Apart from that my day’s been pretty quiet. I had lunch in starbucks then got the bus back to the hospital. It broke down so I was stuck in the middle of nowhere for like 20 minutes and was almost late back.
After snack I caught up with ward round feedback (I’m allowed time out the ward every day again, going on pass this weekend and get to stop taking phosphate supplements) and had a chat with the ward consultant to ‘catch up.’
After dinner a friend (the wonderful irate-insomniac) came and we went for a wee walk and chatted for ages and she brought me Disney dvds a cute wee book of positivity :3 Now I’m sitting in the lounge after supper.
So that was my day. How was yours?

Yeah so my hair went a bit crazy… Feeling a bit more positive after my meeting with uni today; they were so supportive and helpful. Totally reassuring and non-judgemental. They said the most important thing is my health but they were happy for me to go back and forth to essential lectures from the unit. They will also try to organise my placement contact time so its all on the same days rather than the odd random hour here and there, leaving me some free days and weekends to spend still getting support from the unit. I think I can do this. They said I was obviously smart enough(?!) and they had no worries on that side of things (which was reassuring to hear). So yeah. Positive :)

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Yesterday's intake?
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Ahh sorry I said I’d do it didn’t I? Sorry I forgot - you may have to keep reminding me :’) PTW

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Asker Anonymous Asks:
I think you did awesomely (is that a word?) made a plan and stuck to the plan, yes? It isn't meant to be easy and it doesn't need to be perfect but it's all about trying and learning, yeah? And one meal, bigger or smaller, Makes no difference!
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Thankr you. You are right. No point in making mountains out of molehills. There are other days/meals where portions gave been larger than expected and I managed to have it. It’s swings and roundabouts. I’m still trying to see yesterday as a win so thank you for the encouragement :) xx

Asker Anonymous Asks:
the roll and soup might be fractionally bigger but assuming you get marg in your unit that is 100 calories you missed out...
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Except that it’s not usually 100 calories worth of margarine we get…

I’m in such a state of apathy. I want to do something, but I just can’t settle to anything. It’s not that there’s nothing to do - there are plenty things I could do. Just… nothing appeals. I pick up a book for 5 minutes and can’t concentrate. Can’t pay attention to what’s going on in a film or on TV. Zone in and out of the radio, not really taking in a word.
I’m restless but my body feels heavy and fuzzy. It’s this sort of time when I want to self-harm. It’s not an all-consuming urge - it’s just there in the background - an itch. I think that’s the addictive part of it; even when I’m not feeling particularly bad I know it will make me feel good.
But I also know it won’t last and I’ll be angry and disappointed afterwards.
I tried lying on my bed for a while listening to music. But then I felt worse for lying down; somehow that makes me lazy, even though I wasn’t doing anything anyway?
Argh I hate this feeling.

Asker Anonymous Asks:
What were the other options you could have got?
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Erm… There were loads of things. Chilli con carne & rice, cauliflower mornay, ham risotto, chips, some kind of fajita thing (I think), baked potatoes and fillings ‘build-your-own’ salad boxes with various pasta salads/meats etc… i didn’t take note of everything, there was so much I was a bit overwhelmed!

Asker Anonymous Asks:
How log did you get away for lunch?
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

I was away for just under an hour 

Asker Anonymous Asks:
and a pudding?
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

Wow that was quick anon! I take it you meant this lunch time? Well I spoke to the dietician about what I might get and she said it was okay not to get a pudding this time because the roll/portion of soup would be bigger than I’d get in the ward.

Went up to the hospital canteen for lunch today. On my own. I wandered back and forth for about 10 minutes before getting this. The soup said ‘vegetable’ but it was so thick and full of split peas and a much larger portion than gets sent down to the ward. And the roll - well you can see how big it is! Ham and salad (I wasn’t brave enough to get marge on it :/). Every bite my head was screaming ‘stop now! Too much! Look at the size if that thing! Greedy pig - you have the opportunity to eat less and you’re eating MORE?!’
Fuck you anorexia. I sat with my book in a quiet corner and ate it all. It’s good, healthy food; the sort of lunch any normal person would eat. The sort of lunch I should eat every day on my own when I’m discharged soon. Bit worried about the carbs & insulin calculation but it’ll be okay. It doesn’t matter if my sugars fo a bit high this once. It was a challenge and I did it. #recoverywin

Low mood is lasting into today. But it’s not as bad. I feel able to try and take steps to overcome it. So here’s a post trying to challenge some of those negative thoughts from yesterday’s post. Long-ish so under cut.

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Asker Anonymous Asks:
What are your meal plans for the next days?
live-and-heal live-and-heal Said:

I don’t really like to post it in advance so maybe I could just do an intake at the end of each day? Unless that’s annoying/unhelpful for anyone then let me know and I’ll stop/only do it occasionally. So here’s yesterday’s:

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